Happy birthday, Chris! Can I call you Chris? We’ve never met, but I feel like we’re on a first-name basis. Your laid-back demeanor and tendency to leave your home in backwards baseball caps probably contribute to that feeling, but that’s not why I’m writing to you today. Today, I want to celebrate your 36th birthday with a gift: a list of reasons why you would make an outstanding candidate for president. This may also be a gift to myself, and the general American public, but I guess that’s for you to decide, Cap.
Here are some reasons you, Christopher Robert Evans, should run for President of the United States as soon as possible. Happy Birthday!
10. “Get you a POTUS who can do both”
Chris, you’ve already proved that you’re a versatile actor and human being. You’ve managed to balance frat boy skill at drinking games on late night TV with looking amazing in a tuxedo. You’ve brought a scrappy kid from Brooklyn to the big screen and revived Cap’s popularity. You’ve portrayed everything from a deep-thinking, rebellious man at the end of the world, to a football-playing dude who reinvented banana splits forever. You are the embodiment of “Get you a Guy Who Can Do Both”. You can easily adapt to any situation the role of “POTUS” would throw your way. You appeal to pretty much any demographic, and we already know you’ll look good doing so.
9. You care about local as well as national and international policy.
You often tweet about national news. However, it’s important for our president to care about issues both big and small. It’s already evident that you know how to do this. It’s nice to hear your Boston accent every now and again, as well. Uncle Mike has my vote.
8. You can jump very high without much lead-up
A president should have surprising skills. This is only one of yours. Others include tap dancing, singing, and playing the guitar. Remember when you jumped over Chris Pratt? Imagine breaking that out in front of international world leaders. They’d be so impressed.
7. Your Twitter is already better sourced than the current POTUS
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) June 11, 2017
Shortly after the election, I added your twitter to my text notifications. Sure, I have been a fan of yours for quite a while and enjoy hearing your thoughts in your own voice in real time. But while diversifying my news sources, I decided to add your twitter feed to my daily reads. I have not been disappointed. You talk about scientific discovery, international policy, finance, intersectional feminism, LGBTQ rights, and the list goes on and on. And you often source your information, meaning readers don’t just have to take your word for it–they can go read the same info you did and draw their own conclusions. Respect.
6. Charity Work Looks Good on You
Remember when you and Chris Pratt made a Superbowl bet, and raised a bunch of money for kids hospitals? Remember when you did the ice bucket challenge and encouraged other high-profile celebs to take part as well? Remember when you did the push-up challenge to bring awareness to veterans in America? You’ve already drawn your fans’ attention to important causes close to your heart. Add President to your profile? Awareness will skyrocket.
5. Sometimes you Over-prepare
I woke up this morning, showered, got dressed, arrived at my morning meeting, only to realize that today is in fact, Sunday. NOT Monday.
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) March 19, 2017
If failing to prepare is preparing to fail, then you’ll succeed every time. That would probably come in handy for changing time zones, emergency press conferences, and the generally unpredictable nature of the job of POTUS.
4. You’ve Punched Adolf Hitler Over 200 times
(This may have been Steve Rogers, but at this point I’m convinced you are one and the same). (Also, you are not afraid to punch nazis in a non-fictional, modern context.)
3. Bi-partisan Supporter
As an actor and director, you take time to celebrate the success of others in your field. You’ve even congratulated DC and Star Trek actors–the film version of reaching across the aisle–on their work. You’re a man who can recognize a good idea, regardless of where it comes from. We could use more of that in the White House.
Having a close relationship with your family plays well with the American public. You’ve already got that down pat, between walking the red carpet with your mom (see above), filming piano duets with your brother, and copying your nephews lingo. This is one presidential skill you don’t even need to practice–you already do it so well.
1. Dodger would look great on the White House lawn
You know what else Americans love? A dog in the White House. Just imagine Dodger on the White House Christmas card. Damn, that would be cute. I mean, if that doesn’t convince you to run for president, then nothing will. Happy birthday, Chris. See you in 2020